Vikram RamakrishnanI’ve always enjoyed listening to Gaur Gopal Das speak and this time, How to find Balance and Purpose in Life, an attractive minor heading got me hooked to this book.
Gaur Gopal Das draws an analogy to wheels of a car and states that the secret of Life is finding the balance and just like a car balances on 4 wheels, we must balance 4 critical aspects/areas of Life.
- Personal Life
- Relationships
- Work Life
- Social contribution
Furthermore, Balance is split into 2 kinds :
External Balancing (alignment)
- Adjust priorities based on the situation at the moment and focusing on that particular wheel that needs attention.
- Tenets are Balance and Adjustment
Internal Balancing
- This is about our attitude and values, more like air in the tyres – If the air pressure is not right, there’ll be puncture.
- Tenets are Attitude and values.
Sprituality is another important aspect mentioned in this book and going back to Car analogy, this is compared as being the steering wheel. Even if you have all wheels of the car balanced and aligned with the right air pressure, not having the steering wheel means you’ll never reach the destination.
- In whatever genuine form, spirituality brings purpose to our life and gives a destination worth going
- Comprised of 4 pieces (4 S’s) – Spiritual Practice (Sadhana), Company we keep (Sangha), Our Character (Sadachar), Our service to god & others (Seva)
- When all these 4 are aligned properly we’ll be able to drive the car of our life to its destination
Wheel #1 – Personal Life
Expressing Gratitude
-
See the Positive
- We all boil at different degrees!
- I am not saying these problems don’t exist, but the real problem is that when negativity consumes the mind, not only do we lose the vision to see the beautiful things around us, but also the ability to solve the problems that confront us.
- We have to train our mind to focus on the positive and feel empowered to deal with the negative.
- When we think negatively of people, we should immediately counteract that energy by contemplating three positive qualities they have
- Episode of the cumin seed stuck in teeth – Mind is the like the tongue, it drifts towards negative areas of Life, making us restless and uneasy. It schemes to uproot the problems that’s causing pain, not realising that persistent scheming causes more emotional damage.
- Gratitude is not a feeling; it is a state of mind that can be developed, and it allows us to tap into a reservoir of unlimited positive energy.
-
Being grateful happens in two steps.
- The first is to realize that there is good in the world and that good has fallen upon us.
- The second is to know that goodness is coming from something other than us, an external reality is giving the gifts of grace to our very own reality. This could be our family, our friends, nature and even God. We have so much to be grateful for!
- Even in times of difficulty and sorrow, we can feel the inner strength, when we are grateful for the support of caring friends and family.
-
How to express gratitude
- Recognize the good that has been done to us and say Thank you
-
Remember what good was done and mean the Thank You!
- Contemplation is the best methods to develop gratitude.
- Reciprocate Live the Thank You- through your actions and give back.
-
Gratitude Log
- Reflect on the last 24 hours and identify 3-5 people or situation that you are grateful for
- Be very descriptive so it becomes easy to excavate the emotion from you.
- Once every week, it should also contain 3-5 action points to thank people you are grateful for.
- When doing this feel the happiness you felt when the good was done to you.
Press Pause
- Joshua Bell – Social experiment with Washington Post & Article
- If we don’t pause, we miss a lot of beautiful moments in life.
Why Worry
- Learning to detach ourselves from situations outside of our control is an imperative skill to learn for personal growth.
- This doesn’t mean you should be lazy – we should do everything in our power to rectify the situation, but after that we should take our attention away from the unpleasant circumstance.
- What we see as bad at one point in time may turn out to be good for us and, what we see as good at another point may turn out to be bad for us. We should not judge the situation by its face value.
- Sometimes when we get engrossed in a problem, we feel trapped in our own minds. In that state, we constantly regurgitate our issues, causing us a lot of emotional pain. A spiritual process gives us the ability to come out of this mental loop and helps transform the greatest difficulties into opportunities.’
Importance of Meditation
- Takes time and needs discipline. All the more important for people who feel they don’t have the time.
- Like a plane, takes us high, far away and further away imperceptibly. If you look out of a window, you don’t seem like moving fast, but later you realize how far you’ve come.
- Allows experience of self realization.
Wheel #2 : Relationships
Be sensitive with our words and actions
- Fight the strong urge to judge someone based on an initial interaction with them. Everyone has a fascinating story that we know nothing about.
- Being attentive in our relationships is crucial to our success. How we behave towards others determines the quality of our life. ‘It’s just my personality’ is not an acceptable excuse to be insensitive towards others.
- Golden Rule : Treat someone better than how you’d want to be treated. Ask the question – “Does my tone of voice, body language, behavior reflect sensitivity”
- “Familiarity breeds contempt – When we are overly familiar with people, we forget how important they are to us and the correct way to behave with them”
- Attitude doesn’t discriminate – Treating inanimate objects with insensitivity will gradually leads us to treating everyone the same way.
Look at the Positives
- Always see the best in people – Like a bee that always looks for flowers with nectar and avoid lingering where there’s dirt.
- 5 different ways to perceive people in our relationships.
-
Person who cannot see the Good at all (e.g neighbours dirty clothes & window)
- This kind only sees the bad and magnifies it out of proportion
- Possible reasons maybe – spite, dislike, insecurity
-
Person who sees both Good and Bad, but chooses to neglect the Good (e.g dog that shopped and forgot the keys)
- Happens so often – Our friends and family, do so much but we neglect and focus only on the bad things.
-
Person who sees both Good and Bad and is neutral to both
- Difficult to find this type – they are indifferent to everything and don’t care much for anything.
-
Person who sees both Good and Bad and consciously chooses to neglect the Bad
- Really tough to live this as it requires you to consciously avoid the natural human tendency to focus on the bad.
- E.g Aditya Birla – Speaking tree employee who caused a huge loss, started by making a list – “Points in favour of this employee” to create the conscious attention to shift focus to positive. This set the tone for the leadership behavior.
- Before you decide to reprimand someone, sit down and write a list of all good qualities they have – though it may not change your ultimate decision, it may change your perspective about the situation and help control anger
- Focus on the good and deal with the bad – is a principle that help save relationships and help make the right decision.
-
Person who cannot see the Bad at all; they see the slightest good and magnify it
- Only possible for God or an enlightened one.
- Can be impractical for us most of time.
- Neglecting the bad doesn’t mean that we do not deal with it practically – It just means that we do not allow our mind to focus on and hover over the bad.
-
Person who cannot see the Good at all (e.g neighbours dirty clothes & window)
Correcting Cautiously
- Learning the art of appreciation is vital for building healthy relationship.
- Mutual Funds & Relationships have one thing in common – You must invest in them before you can withdraw 🙂
- We should learn to invest appreciation and love into a person before we correct them. If not done this way, the person receiving the feedback will feel demotivated and not cherished.
- Art of giving feedback – just having the right intention is not enough. Giving advice inappropriately may do more harm than good. It’s not what you said, it’s how you said it. Tone of the voice, body language and facial expression account for more than words too.
-
4 questions before giving feedback
- Am I the right person to give corrective feedback? – Is someone else better suited, am I a friend? Am I an authority in the subject?
-
Do I have the right motive to give corrective feedback
- Desires govern what we want and motives tell us why we want it
- We should be conscientious that our motive to give feedback is appropriate – or is it the case of settling old accounts, grudge or to exact vengeance.
- Feedback from the place of love may be unpalatable, but it tastes the sweetest if done appropriately and has the right effect.
-
Do I know the right way to give corrective feedback
- People are usually resilient. They can stand being wrong, but only when it is pointed out to them with love. Being blunt and abusive can be emotionally draining for both, and the person receiving the feedback switches off after some time.
-
Is it the right time?
- Hot heads don’t give good feedback – Choose a better time.
- We should not simply let our anger loose – we should explain it. When we express what we feel, we do so at the risk of seeming unpleasant, but when we take the time to explain our emotions to people, they might be able to empathize with us.
Forgiveness
- In this fast paced world, we no longer bother with the subtle intricacies and niceties in our relationships – we think about people in terms of their purpose and utility and our interactions are driven by it.
- Everything in this world is instant – Sadly it doesn’t work like that for our relationships.
-
How to practice forgiveness
-
Look beyond the situation –
- We’ve all be in situations where our intellect is clouded by emotions. At those times we say anything and everything for our own peace of mind. Although a moment of patience in a moment of anger can save us a thousand moments of regret in the future, usually when we are suffering intensely, we cannot help but let our minds run amok.
- Think – How are they suffering? What are they feeling? Is there a deeper chaos?
-
Separate the episode from the Person
-
Start with language we use to describe the incident
- Saying “It is my problem” causes us to feel guilty and over time it may cause inferiority complex.
- Saying “It is your problem” causes us to feel angry – you can never say those words peacefully.
- Saying “It is the problem” – separates the problem from the person and helps deal with it effectively.
-
Start with language we use to describe the incident
- Focus on the higher purpose
-
Look beyond the situation –
-
Forgiveness vs Justice
- On a personal level, you can forgive a person who has wronged us, but on a societal level, there should be strict justice to create an orderly society. No one should be able to break away with the law in the name of forgiveness.
Associations
- Association (called Sangha in sanskrit) is crucial to your success in this world and beyond.
- We are known by the company we keep (funny story about handsome man and excretion)
- Association is beyond neutral dealings – Level of intimacy
- Association creates sub-conscious sharing of value systems (e.g smoker vs non-smoking friend and consequence)
- “Watch your thoughts, they become your words; watch your words, they become your actions; watch your actions, they become your habits; watch your habits, they become your character; watch your character, it becomes your destiny.”
Wheel #3 : Work Life
Competition Crossroads
- Causes of Unhealthy Competition – Being envious or uncontrolled ambition
- We compete with people who have same skills or outlook in life, otherwise we don’t feel threatened.
- Competition is everywhere.
-
Jealousy or Envy
- When one harbours ill feelings towards others wanting to be like them or better than them but does not act on those feelings, it is called jealousy.
- When one acts on those ill feelings jealousy turns into envy
- If we do have to compare ourselves with others, we should compare positive attitudes. That person’s attitude to tirelessly keep working or grinding at their skills is inspiring. I want that same attitude. Let me learn from them and in turn help them in any way I can. Let us mutually grow. That is how a an open-minded person thinks.
- Healthy Competition is about competing with ourselves rather than others
- There’ll always be workplace politics and we should learn to manage it in a clean way.
Self Discovery
- We should understand ourselves to know what’s meaningful for us and what we want to spend our time on
- If there is one thing that I think is the foundation of growth, it is understanding who you are. You can only compete with yourself if you have a clear idea of your potential, your capacities and certainly your limitation
- Everyone has been gifted with special talents and skills. Every individual has something unique in them. If God were to reveal that talent to us straight away, from the very day we were born, there would be no excitement in our journey. God covers our talent, skills and potential only so that we have the chance to discover it. And in the process of doing so, in trying to figure out what we want to do with our lives, there is a tremendous sense of satisfaction
- Self Discovery is not a one-time event, but an ongoing evolution.
Sprituality @ work
- To be ambitious and entrepreneurial for yourself is not wrong.
- It’s a misconception to think spirituality kills ambition and zest to achieve.
- Spirituality changes your motive to achieve and makes us want more so we can have the resources to help others.
- Another misconception is that spiritual people get walked over in business because of their values (e.g sage and snake story). Spirituality teaches us to stick to values but at the same time be meticulous and straightforward in business.
- You can make as much money as you want/desire, but be wary of it’s potential to distract us from our purpose.
Integrity & Character
- Good character has the ability to change lives.
- Philosophy without character is of no value.
- 3 aspects of spirituality in practice.
- Vichaar: The philosophy that we seek answers from. This helps us understand how life should be lived, and how spirituality should be practised. These concepts, in turn, are the universal lighthouse principles that guide us towards living a life of value.
- Aachaar: Based on the philosophy is the physical action which leads to a transformation in our value system and helps us develop good conduct and character. When one’s character is transformed by following even a sentence of the rich philosophy, then those actions are called aachaar.
- Prachaar: The good conduct of a spiritual practitioner inspires others to have faith in the philosophy and values of spirituality. Without having to give a single sermon, we can reach out to many just by being exemplary and having good character. What great men do, common men follow.
Wheel #4 : Social Contributions
Selfless Sacrifice
- Ice-cream and Candle both melt – but there reasons are different. Ice-cream represents the desire to savour every moment of your life through personal enjoyment, whereas candle’s very essence is to give light to others.
-
Oxygen mask in flight – use it yourself before you help others.
- We can only share wealth with others if we possess wealth. Similarly, we can love others only if we know what it feels like to be loved. We can only bring hope to others if we feel hope for ourselves. In conclusion, we can only give to others what we possess
- If you don’t follow this you’ll land into compassion fatigue.
Family First
- Relationships at home can work well only if all parties have low expectations of each other, but high expectations of themselves to help the other.
- Example of Lata Bhagawan Khare – who ran Marathon barefoot to save her husband.
Nation Narrative
- Expand the circle of selflessness slowly so we can effectively serve our community and nation.
- Love for God is composed of 3 things
- Right Action – behave and act in accordance with spiritual principles
- Right Intention – Have selfless intention. Continuously checking our intentions makes them pure.
- Right Mood – Serve in a way that’s favourable for our growth. Don’t do it because “You have to” but because “it’s the right thing to do”
Quotes & References
“Feeling peaceful, happy and content is not about avoiding challenges in our life, but about how we navigate through these challenges to reach the type of life we want to live”
Experience is not what happens to a man, it is what a man does with what happens to him.’ It’s how we respond that makes all the difference. – Aldous Huxley
The Paradox of our times is that those who have the most can often be the least Satisfied. We have Mastered how to look successful, but not how to organize our lives so we feel successful
We all have 3 things in common – we are all stuck, we all have a journey to complete & we all have a destination.
The mind is what we use to perceive the world. We don’t see things as they are, we see things as we are.
Worry never robs tomorrow of its sorry, it only saps today of its joy – Leo Buscaglia
It’s strange that “Sword” and “Words” have the same letters. Even more strange is they can have the same effect if not handled properly – Anon
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only Love can do that – MLK